By: Liz Hardie
Have you ever felt like you were hiding behind a mask?
Has the mask you were wearing scared you?
I lost a part of me at a very young age
I was a girl confused by something I thought I did wrong
When it wasn’t my fault at all
Although it has haunted me my whole life long
I have worn a mask, covered up my emotions
Only a few have been lucky enough to see me for me
As that mask is hardly ever removed
I lack trust in so many, I hide so the real feeling many never see
Sexually Assaulted at Age 11, Raped at Age 16, eating disorder at Age 19
The trauma, the pain, the inner scars and feelings, these masks would help hide
Smiling and laughing, but deep down I was dead, that was what was seldom seen
Masks have always been used as protection
I used my mask to protect myself from my internal wounds and pain
To also protect my family and friends from a truth I never wanted to tell
Therapy helped, but I knew my mask could only stay on so long for me to stay sane
It took me time to process my own feelings
Only then could my mask be removed, to show the real person behind it and tell my story
What a feeling, to take off my mask, that has been hiding me and my fears for close to 30 years
I am shocked how I feel now that I have processed it all, less pain, no guilt, less worry
I do have times when I’m triggered and horrid memories come rushing back
The men who did these disgusting acts to me when I was younger were over two times my size
Will never forget, hand on my face and body crushing me, the way it felt to not be able to move or to breathe
They didn’t care that I had no air to breathe, to speak, yell, fight back or cry
Wearing any face covering now is horrid for me and I do have trouble breathing with panic attacks
But I choose to wear it and will continue to for the cause, as it protects others and protects me
I know I can take this mask off on my free will, so breaths will come when I choose
No matter the trauma it may cause me, I will not allow my past fear to blind me
So many feel choices are made for them nowadays
Truly saddens me, as you don’t know that feeling until your body has been used and abused
I have always been the bigger person and turned the other cheek
Those men threatened me, threatened my family, I had no choice, I lived in fear, my body was used
So yes, I have removed one mask, to place another one on
I am not selfish, I respect everyone in this world as much as I finally respect myself
I may get panic attacks, I work through them, as I am grateful I can take deep breaths with it on
When gasping for breath during the assaults, understand those men only had love and respect for themselves
So some need to please stop acting entitled, have feelings for others,
Why so many are fighting back on this issue is extremely sad to me
I held a secret in that emotionally and physically almost ruined my life
If I can save anyone by wearing a mask right now no matter the panic I may feel, I will wear it proudly
We all deserve a chance in this world, and no one is better than anyone else
I do not live in fear, so stop saying that is part of this situation
Fear is when you can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe; life is threatened to be taken from you
Wearing a mask, one that protects and can be removed easily is nothing compared to what some deal with day to day
I’ve lived my hell, no more fear, yes some panic, but no matter what, my fellow man deserves my help too
Photo by Kyle Austin on Unsplash