BY: LIZ HARDIE
Do you know what it’s like to be walking along, minding my business, and you get smacked in the face with a smell of your past, of pure evil?
For many, this smell, a popular men’s cologne, may be wonderful, awakening their senses and bringing up great thoughts, maybe even excitement and joy.
But for me it terrorizes me and takes me back to a time that I have tried to forget, where I had no choice but to smell that cologne on a man that was undeserving of love.
Smothering me with his body, physically forcing his large body on and in my small body, no matter my tears, all I could smell was his sweat and that awful cologne
I wish it would be easier to explain to others where my mind goes to when I am triggered, but I can tell you I want to exit as quickly as possible in these situations, not looking back as panic is what sets in
Even though I know a smell is unable to physically or emotionally hurt me now, I want to run, I feel like if I can, I should escape, as the evil has found me and is haunting me, trying to hurt me again
Do you know what it’s like to be a person who feels a rush of anxiety and panic near swimming pools, even though they were raised with a swimming pool in their back yard?
I may have almost drowned falling through an intertube, but it was not this experience that scared me, no that was an amazing experience compared to this
It was the sexual assault that occured in our swimming pool that causes me to be uncomfortable and feel panic when near pools, when I close to my teenage years
Swimming was my life, a life I loved and enjoyed every summer, until this young man cornered me, covered my mouth and assaulted me, in my family swimming pool in my back yard
I never explained my uncomfortable feeling or panic around pools to anyone, I have always dealt with it, even into adulthood, as I will “enjoy” pools for my children, so they enjoy swimming, love summer as much as I did
You will see me floating, sitting on the side of the pool with my feet dangling in or laying out, but rarely will you see me in the pool, as I feel more panic and uncomfortable with my entire body inside the pool
Do you know what it’s like to be a person who used to enjoy socially drinking but people in my life who enjoyed alcohol, have beat me down so much, that I now get uncomfortable and anxiety ridden when around intoxicated people?
For years I enjoyed spending time with friends, having drinks, some nights drinking more than I know I should have, so many amazing memories with great people and great friends, yet all of that has changed.
Insert into my life horrible people who said they loved me, although in reality they loved alcohol and themselves way more
They drank to the point of passing out, accidents, DUI’s, infidelity, becoming phsyically and emotionally abusive towards me, even at several points of our lives threatening to take my life or their own.
Do you know what it’s like to be triggered by sights, sounds, smells, actions, words, places, people; could be the smallest thing, could be the largest thing? Triggers can just happen and unfortunately with PTSD, we never know when they will happen, we just have to work through it.
PTSD is not something an individual asks for or wants to suffer with. When they become triggered it can take minutes to weeks to months to recover from that trigger; it just all depends on the trigger and what therapy they have had.
Many may think you should be able to handle you own triggers better and to this I say “fuck you”. You have no clue what people have been through or what they have done to try to build themselves up from the evil that hurt them.
All I can say is, I will live my life and you live your life. I will not judge you and I would hope you will not judge me. Everyday is a new day and I know I must take it one day, one hour, one minute and one second at a time!
Be kind to all, because you have no idea what battle anyone is dealing with.
Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash