BY: LIZ HARDIE
For many years my life was controlled by others, to question myself and allow everyone to walk all over me
Fighting was a normal part of my day, add alcohol into loved ones, I would just shut down
I began to believe that this was my normal, hide my real feelings to avoid drama and more fights
When I finally leave the unhealthy relationships that were controlling me, others are seen and found
It has taken me some time to write this as I wasn’t sure what words I wanted to use
Some family and friends have had me question myself more than I ever thought they would
Always bringing to my attention that I need to get out more and have fun, interact, try to be happy
Finally I realized I am doing what I want to do, finally I am doing what I feel I should
My entire life being told I am too sensitive, yet I have a face that looks so angry
There is a reason behind my angry face and my sensitivity, those who know me understand this
I feel betrayed by so many who have said they loved me, I still question their intentions, their emotions
So easy to reel me in, question myself, make me feel loved, yet they make me feel lost, amiss
Never did I think that those who should be supporting me, would question my way of living
The choices I make are just that, my choices since it is my life and who are they to judge
I do not judge anyone and how they live their life, family, friends, strangers, all are treated the same
From family and friends I expect the same, yet this isn’t always the case, not always there to encourage
Their life choices and decisions I have always supported, even if it is not the way I would do it
If I take a few steps back it does not mean I love people any less, at least in my eyes
To explain to someone who has no idea about trauma, triggers, what I feel, how I think, can be impossible
I am given opinions, therapy may help, take meds, telling me alone is not good for me and I need to socialize
I used to question myself but growing up as an introvert, it was easy for me to seclude myself and spend time alone
Take it or leave it, when I need to focus on me more or if I feel I need time, I will stay home over going out
I have been talked about for this, yet those who have talked about me, are the reason I am stepping back
I have realized drama and fighting while drinking is a trigger, I’m removing myself until I no longer have doubt
If you have ever been emotionally or physically abused, you will heal but those triggers can be hard to control
Controlling them when someone you love is the one triggering you, that makes it even harder
Looking them in the eye, explaining your feelings when you feel they should already know, it breaks your heart
Another step in my process, choosing to be alone instead of putting myself in a position to question myself more or be pushed further
Maybe my expectations have grown too high these past few years, finally realizing what I need
And instead of growing with me, several loved ones choose to look at how I used to be
Thinking I need to move on, get over it, it’s just my mental health, I am not talked to, I am talked about and at
My mental health may be a factor but drinking and drama is too, now I am working on what is best for me
I must find the best version of me and learn to live as that person, be comfortable as that person
Never have I ever been comfortable in my own skin, fighting myself and trying to stay several steps ahead of everyone
Preparing for the worst, with a smile on my face, while trying to enjoy life with my beautiful daughters
I am happy just being me, living and enjoying each moment of this life, no longer answering to anyone
No longer will I question myself or any of my decisions.