RECOVER FROM ABUSE

Mental abuse can be highly damaging to someone, although difficult you can survive and recover from abuse

The time it takes a person to recover could take months or years, it will not happen overnight

The mental pain and anguish I was personally put through is hard for me to wrap my head around

Thinking I was loved, in reality I was being manipulated and controlled, nothing I said or did was right

A narcissist beat me down each and every day, not with his hands but with his words and his actions

Already knowing I had a past where I had been sexually assaulted, raped, abused, cheated on

Being informed of my struggles with anxiety, depression and body image, he knew just how to hurt me

Any progress made in my recovery from my past, was setback drastically by him, I became withdrawn

He made my life a living hell and had this odd grasp on me, finding the strength to leave was difficult

Though I finally did find the strength, he continues to try to control me and manipulate me to this day

Many do not realize this, my life will never be free of him until my child is grown, ignoring is just easier now

I have lost all trust in his words, his actions to me and to our daughter, he believes every lie that he says

My past has taught me many things about life, about love, so I am extremely cautious of everyone now

In my early years after the assault and rape, I was able to shut down and put on a brave face for all

I trusted noone, put a wall up and let very few people in, yet I was searching for someone to love me

I lost my self-confidence, not knowing my worth, after my body was used and abused, I never stood tall

I felt I needed a man to complete me, and every man I chose was not good, in any sense of the word

Saying they loved me was easy, but to show me, to treat me as a respected, loved woman never happened

I always had to compete with something, an activity more important than me, usually partying and alcohol

The alcohol made them hostile, mean and manipulative, falling for someone like that I never imagined

Forgiveness I gave way more than I care to admit, although I have always been one to forgive not forget

Never loving myself enough, I never felt I would find anyone to love me again, so I stayed just to stay

Crazy to say this now, but I was scared, beat down, not knowing who I was or where I would end up in life

My own issues made me stay with those men, I learned from it despite my life being in mental disarray

After my divorce I thrived, yet I realized his narcissistic abuse brought up old trauma,created new for me 

He had a control over me that I am disgusted to admit and used my past abuse against me to manipulate

To look back and know that I loved someone, married someone who could be such a horrible human

Not only did I have to deal with his mental abuse but he put me down for my past abuse to intimidate

Choosing to not have alcohol a large part of my life anymore, has made some friendships struggle

Due to alcohol, I have been raped as a teen and emotionally abused for years, even hurt by family

Never actually enjoying alcohol, it was not hard for me to stop, I just wish others could do the same

I am not seen as someone they know now, since taking a step back, realizing alcohol is a trigger for me

Speaking of triggers, unfortunately there are many things that trigger me in life that many won’t understand

Fighting at a party, jokes on my behalf, person taking my control, being told I am pretty, gifts for no reason,

Being talked over, someone speaking highly of themselves constantly, putting anything over my mouth,

Arms constrained, accusations; all these and more cause me anxiety, tears, fear. Triggers are like poison 

I always loved fairytales and as much as I still love watching them, I despise and laugh at the endings

Real life does not happen like that or at least I believe it will not happen for me, my heart has shut down

I put off dating for several years after my divorce, until I finally found a great man, who is amazing to all

He is kind, loving, understands me with a huge heart, yet I don’t feel I need a King to join me on my throne

The minute I feel as if someone is disrespecting me or not trying to understand me, I quickly shut them off

My voice may be low but it is important and I must know that my words are heard and comprehended

After years of being talked over, I will no longer allow anyone to take my control or quiet my opinion

No longer will I be silenced, and if I am, those who try better be ready, they should expect to be contended

Strong was how I tried to portray myself, but weak was how I felt, and I will never feel that again

Trusting few people is how I have tried to stay strong and many disagree with this, but it works for me

I give people chances, I don’t trust them but they get chances, you ruin those chances, thats on you

It takes years for me to trust you, let you in, but it takes one second or wrong move and the real Liz you see

Unfortunately I feel like I push many people away that deserve a place in my life and in my heart

I just can not find the place just yet for those people, I have been burned too many times by the word “love”

Counseling helped yet I feel content living my life how it is, independent and strong, answering to just me

May seem selfish but since a very young age I have covered and been controlled by those I was a victim of

Learning now that my main priority in life should be my mental health and it will always be my beautiful girls

I will continue to raise them alone to be respectful, strong, independent woman, protecting them from evil

Evil can come from any direction, so I must keep my eyes and ears open, and stand up for what is right

As I did not speak up enough, I avoided fights or harsh words, exhausted by those arrogant like the devil 

Some would say I took the easy way out, but behind closed doors they never saw the verbal attacks I got

In every relationship, fronts were put on so they would look amazing, like kind, respectable men, full of love

Quick to start a fight as soon as we got home though, there would always be something to set them off

Gifts and compliments were common, thinking this would “win” me, flattery never worked, gifts I got rid of  

I still see no need for flattery, just as before, I  do not feel pretty and it could take years before I do

Another’s word will not change that, as when I heard them before, it was only to benefit them

Gifts are for holidays or birthdays, not to make up for wrong actions or words, so it is awkward for me

To receive a gift, I feel I have to give something in return and if I don’t, I feel I will be condemned

Never have I been one for expressing feelings, my daughters and my family are the only ones who see this

Crying shows weakness, having a boyfriend especially an abuser see this just opens yourself up to hurt

As a single mom, I have to show my girls we can get through anything, no matter the circumstances

I have been able to survive these relationships from hell because of their support and love in their heart

My daughters are familiar with my past, oldest knows most the details, youngest knows very little

I make it known to them that I am medicated for a reason, understanding you can get help no matter what

Due to the abuse, there are nights I can’t sleep or I frequently have nightmares, my girls witnessing these

Never question anything, they calm, support, and love me, in both of them I have complete trust

I may never be able to explain how I feel or make everyone understand why I am the way I am today

And I see no point in explaining the person I am or have become to anyone, most assume anyhow

My reasons for doing or not doing specific things or living life a certain way should never be questioned

Recovering from mental abuse is a process that could take years, I must embrace the scars I have now

Honestly I can now say I am proud of the person I am and the person I am slowly becoming in life

Searching for so long to find who I am truly meant to be has been so hard, as life was always lived for me

I am not afraid to speak of any of the abuse I have lived through, if anyone should choose to ask

What I do need many to understand is I may have “changed” yet this is good as I am on this road of recovery

Featured Image by Sydney Sims on Unsplash